Feb
01
2009

no, not that many things

The other Sunday, I slept in and took a shower in the afternoon. Look out the open window overlooking downtown again, the steam rolling in along with the cold air… and all I could think about was how I keep in a constant loop. In my thoughts and projects lately.

Loop Loop Loop Loop. Loop. it’s 10 minutes later. Wasted too much hot water, but I love the feel.

Dumping video out to the computer, then editing later that day. It gave me time to think more.

more loops. I only like one of the songs that band did. Not because of the music, I liked more than one song. It was mostly the combination of bad shots and bad lighting. I don’t remember talking to many people that night. Just creeping in the corner. Making small talk with some old friends and traveling people. It’s becoming a common thing lately… that loop.

A series of events this summer put me in a new place. Mostly those that weren’t good events. Lonely would be an understatement. I became somewhat selfish (not really self healing.) I stopped calling people. I stopped initiating communication. Things dried up. I biked more. I started running more. I disappeared without saying bye.

I don’t get looks like I used to. I used to enjoy relating to others, but they never seemed to relate back the same, sometimes even attempt to. Many people I know have moved out of town because of this. Why relate when you can go somewhere where it’s not required. But these people somehow had incredible relationships and friendships that ran deep. I could never figure out why I felt I felt I felt a complete lack of this sort of deep relation.

I remember feeling this way back in high school, probably discrediting my actual friends back then. I just moved on. I’d hate for that to become a loop, but I feel that need to move on again.

Now I’m sounding extremely self loathing. loop loop loop loop, whoops. I do have a friend or two that are there for me every so often, which is nice. But where is that amazing friend? Eventually I’d like to have an awesome love too. Hell, even meet that person I could grow and create with (not necessarily grow old or procreate with.) Maybe I did meet these people, and just passed on the opportunity. I am fairly guilty at times of being oblivious to people’s feeling and signals.

I thought I had some things figured out. Do fun stuff, play music, run a venue, be nice to people, get a sweet career doing stuff I like. Things that should be seen as good, but I for some reason feel differently. Recurring comments make their way to me like “you’ve always been a good friend” “why didn’t I date you back in the day” “you did so much for our band” etc… these end up resonating in a bittersweet way when I never reaped the benefits of that spectacular friendship or love.

I need to work on being a better friend, but the loop of not wanting to seek it out keeps on coming… I just wander around, not sure what I want or need. I have ideas, but I just keep thinking, looping looping…

I’m pretty sure I’m not depressed, but damned if this doesn’t make it sound that way.

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  • robothouse: no, not that many things http://tinyurl.com/d87r8l 02/09/09 01:29pm
Written by ray in: life |

7 Comments »

  • Mike says:

    We’re just getting older, that’s how it is. Vision narrows and it gets harder to get out of the tunnel. Moving to KC showed me how narrow that tunnel can get and I still haven’t made my way out. Change the context of where you’re looking and put yourself in an uncomfortable place if you really want to break the loop.

  • Alia says:

    You’ll find your way. Get out of your comfort zone and you will discover the beauty of living outside of auto-pilot. Moving to Alaska and finishing graduate school did that for me. I now work with people facing their own mortality on a daily basis. There’s nothing like working with terminal patients to change your perspective on life and take the fear out of facing every day uncertainty.

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